“Daddy, do fish have a religion?”
“Why do you ask?”
“If it dies, who will it go back to?”
“You’re too young to think so deeply.”
“I’m just afraid it will be lonely and die in vain.”
“Why should it be in vain?”
Four-year-old Ale’s head was filled with worry. Next year, he would start kindergarten. But we were still unsure, was kindergarten education important for our child? My in-laws sometimes urged us to take Ale to a specially designed school for toddlers. Financial sufficiency was not a reason for them not to spoil their only grandchild. Fortunately, my wife could address my in-laws’ concerns properly.
Intentionally, we did not take him to early childhood education centers or kindergartens that offer many methods for our child to learn happily. Besides saving money for our small family’s expenses, we made that decision because we didn’t want to miss out on many moments with Ale. We wanted Ale to learn directly from our imperfect life. We wanted Ale to know imperfection. Ale should not be indoctrinated with true happiness obtained from heroic stories found in school textbooks. The ideal happiness designed to imprison the desire for happiness itself. Ale had to be aware that happiness is the integration of feelings of accepting imperfection.
Ale started talking a lot. He often expressed small protests. I was grateful that God gave him the freedom to think and express his opinions as early as possible. Mischievous behavior of young children was also not uncommon in all his playfulness. We told each other many stories, about success, failure, and the spirit of never giving up. Even though Ale didn’t have many life experiences yet, he started telling stories about everything he experienced. About his encounters with insects and worms in the backyard. About the banana leaves he used as toys. He described in detail what happened and what he felt. Ale was smart enough to describe something.
At his age, which did not fill my hand, Ale began to have pets. He chose to raise ornamental fish that were commonly sold in front of the school near our house.
Why fish, son?
Ale fell in love with the colors and resilience of fish. Fish never cried out to go out for a walk. They always accepted their lives.
How do you know?
I saw it behind our mini aquarium. The mini aquarium came from his mother’s unused glass teapot, without an oxygen pump, I just added some plants on top to beautify the makeshift aquarium. Ale cherished it so much. Almost every day, he never missed cleaning the aquarium.
One day, a friend of his mother came to visit. The typical excitement of young mothers adorned her way of appreciating Ale’s ornamental fish. Ale just silently watched every movement of his mother’s friend’s lips. Until it came to a conversation that made Ale restless and uneasy.
“What kind of ornamental fish is this, it probably won’t last long either. How much did you buy it for? Only five thousand, right? In front of that elementary school, right?”
“My son has bought it almost more than five times. This fish cannot survive. Look at that, its gills are already red. It means it lacks oxygen. I know this because I was told by my son’s private tutor who happens to be a hobbyist in ornamental fish,” this young mother continued to speak while gossiping, without paying attention to how Ale felt.
Ale looked distressed. After my wife’s friend left. Ale didn’t move from beside his ornamental fish. Ale still couldn’t read and write. Although, he could recite a little Quran and memorize some short chapters.
I approached him lost in thought. I stroked his fine hair, which was due for a trim to look neat. Suddenly, he asked, “Daddy, what is oxygen? The one in the air, right? The one you told me about when I was doing sports riding a bike? You said if you can’t breathe with oxygen, you can die?” Ale asked incessantly, as if pouring out his distress.
“Yes, that’s right,” I immediately responded with a very convincing expression, prompting him to continue talking about his concerns.
“These fish live in water, they don’t need air. Fish cannot be like Ale who freely breathes air. Ale also cannot be like fish that continuously swim in water. But why should we die in the same way? Just because there’s no oxygen,” Ale spoke tremblingly, perhaps holding back tears that would soon spill.
Ale’s thought process made me unable to hold back my emotions. Ale had never learned science subjects. Even more surprising was that such a small child remembered everything I said, then easily understood and combined it with other words. Just because of a statement, his life that day felt shattered. His sadness peaked because of the fear of losing something.
Ale, my son, we have to get used to every encounter and parting. Your kindness to everything will not prevent fate from every loss. No religion, ethnicity, culture, or background can save you from a feeling of loss.
Ale was still crying, perhaps my embrace was not enough to stop his tears. His whimpering suddenly subsided and his eyes sank. Today you are destined to be sad, it’s okay. Indeed, Ale had to know the feeling of sadness and the fear of loss.